Saturday, April 30, 2011

It has been a long time since i posted, and in that time, many things have happened too, some good, some bad. But there is always a reason to give thanks of course. I realised 3 main things

1. I have not been keeping up my spiritual life

2. I pretty much screwed up alot of areas of my life during my pri-sec 2 years.

3. I pretty am not much of a leader after all.

The third point is the hardest truth to accept also. But i must accept it and go either ways: Give it up, or improve. It goes either way, because i do not want to be a bad leader.

After all, i have worked so hard to get here, am i am working even harder to achieve my goals: to attend the 2 camps in June, and also to free up more time so that i can do something for the Board. To achieve that, i know that my results have to be very good. With good meaning everything above 75 for every subject in my father's definition. -.-. That is impossible, as with the difficulty of Sec 3. At the very most i think i can get an A2 at most. Thus i have to rely on my class position. I know that no less than under 12 will give me the freedom i want to be granted by my father. And this thought alone has spurred me through the wilderness of new disciplines such as A maths, and the pure sciences. The vision of the future memories, coupled with old memories, serves to me as the greatest motivation for success, over riding the want for DOTA and for television, among others. The moment i feel like closing the book before its time, the visions pull me back harder, and once again i sink into processing yet more information.

But even through this ordeal i realise i can be more disciplined. And i realised that with the correct motivation, i can work for what i know i want. But because of academics also, i have sacrificed several other areas of my life too. One of them being social, the other being recreational. But i am still thankful for my friends out there who has constantly been there for me. I thank you all sincerely from the deepest of my hearts, there is nothing more that i may ask for.


And now coming back to the event that eventually had me questioning myself, and doubting myself. I was caught climbing on the rock wall without safety gear, a result of an overwhelming desire to complete the 6a route. The consequences were dire, a one month suspension from the thing that i have been most working hard for. Nothing can express what i am currently feeling now, i do not blame anyone but myself. I only hope that this event will be revealed to as less of the school population as possible only. I hope this one month will pass by quickly, and i will have no doubt it will with the exams taking up half of that month. And on my birthday, 26 May, i will get it back.

But what's the use of getting it back if i am not going to do what i have to do?
Surely i have to improve myself.
1. Do my duties on time
2. Get to know other SLs better
3. Do something significant for the Board.

Without all these, i will never be able to put it on again proudly. This is a battle for myself to get better, and only under this conditions will i thrive, the road is hard, the journey is long and the way is tough, but the rewards are great, satisfactory and everlasting. Pushing on, i can also realise that i can do so much more that i can.

That is also why i decided to take up rockclimbing in the first place: To discover that i can do so much more. And already the first target is resonating throughout the hollows of my mind, growing louder as the day draws nearer. To climb a 6a route before my birthday. There is only 26 days left, and only probably 3-4 work sessions before the actual try. Coupled with persistent finger joint injuries that have are not recovering well. I only can use the exam period to recover before training all out for that faithful day. Although it seems impossible, i know i can do so much more. and that is what i have set out for.