Sunday, May 8, 2011

i have had so many things on my mind recently, that i would just want to say it all out.

To Dad: I am so sorry, please do not be too disappointed with my results, but you also must know that it is sec 3, and i have did my best this year i assure you.

I am just so worried for my MYE results now. Because if i do not get good results, thats the end of any chance for me going to AC or June camp. Then what am i in SLB for. I have not even been a good SL at all... And I might not even be an SL already. My Father may force me to go to less trainings for volleyball by talking to my teacher in charge, and my teacher in charge will complicate things by saying i also have my SL commitments. Based on the school. Academics>CCA>SLB. So i am in a tight spot.

I would have liked to prefer that i would get good results. But it seems highly unlikely with the difficulty of the papers. What i am hoping for now is just a 65% overall and probably a good class position, preferably top 15, so i can tell my Father that i really did work hard. Although my father has also seen that i am already doing my best and tries to encourage me by saying to do my best. But im the end when the results come back. its sure to be a gone case. Last year i got 70% overall he's already very unhappy. Man...

But i must be strong, i must have that glimmer of hope. In God, right now i am placing everything in God's hands already. I want to keep everything up, and something is telling me that by trusting in God everything will be fine. I hope so. I really hope so. I am very afraid of this. I dont want to lose my position as an SL, and i also dont want to dissapoint Liya, or any of senior or other SLs. I must make an impact as an SL. I can't be like this anymore. I got to keep my discipline in check.

To SLB: Thank you so much. You have been my source of motivation ever since i entered to study for my exams. So many times when i wanted to close the textbook you called me back, and presented me with the memories. And the songs keep playing on repeat. Those, are enough to keep me back on track. So here i am, i have not worked so hard in my life for academics before. I have become more disciplined in my studying.



But is it going to pay off? will my father still rebuke me for my results and prevent me from going to June camp and AC, which will really lead to a total devastation of my life. Haiz. Why must i have a father like that. but to question myself of that is already wrong. Because if i am to trust in God, i must also count my blessings. Around the world, many orphans do exist. And they yearn for parents. But here i am with a very caring one, albeit in an-overly-dependent-on-academics attitude.


To God: I Thank you for being there with me all the while since sec 2. I am so sorry, i was not able to live up to the contents of what i said in my testimony. I have failed u. I have failed... I have said vulgarities. Cursed. Swore. Refuted. Rejected. Mocked. Lied. Cheated. BUT I CRY OUT TO YOU NOW! PLEASE BRING ME BACK TO YOU! I do not want to once again walk down the path that screwed up half of my life already. I do not want it... Please, take me back into your comfortable embrace where i can truly make a positive impact on the people around me. i cry out to you... selah. take me back please...

To Mum: It was mother's day. But what did i do? Ignored her cause she didnt seem to happy with me going to the WP election results area. In the end i didnt go. So many time i have got angry with you. Even though sometimes its unreasonable, you still love me, even though sometimes you say you dont. Deep inside, i know you are still an amazing mother. I am a coward. I do not have the courage to say it to you. But i can only type out my feelings for you here. Mum, I am so sorry for everything i have done to you and made you angry. Apologies are nt enough. Actions count to. I will make a promise to be filial to you for the rest of my life. I just want to say, although i have never told you before, I love you mum!

I thank all my good friends for supporting me through any phase of my life. Thank you.