Friday, August 19, 2011

Is alot of stuff happening everyday? or am i just thinking too much or caring too much? I feel like an ass, i became someone whom i said i would never be, i became a hypocrite. I said i wouldn't leave anybody, but yet, why am i distancing myself from others? Even though i know how the person on the receiving end will feel. Its just so evil, and that is me. What should i do to make it up? I cant. Only maybe the next time i should pei the person. After all everyone is looking for companionship. If i choose to chase my own friends only, i would be selfish myself as i would be neglecting others feelings and inevitable hurt others, as i think i have done many times before already.

Also, i think i use sorry too many times. I spam it literally, even though it may reflect how i feel, i am really afraid to offend people, so i generally don't 'play' too much, unless its with close friends, but it takes really long to break down the barrier. Why am i like that? maybe it is because i do not want to make any enemies at all, that's why i control myself in everything i do. Sometimes too much control is not good too, my teammates also say that i should just be myself around them, no need to be too formal at all. I should not say sorry, rather i should concentrate my attention on avoiding the mistake. So many times in volleyball have i given up a hope on a ball and just stone there, at least i could have made an effort and chiong to block it, who knows it might even turn up well.

Random People: I wanna make friends with some random people that i have in my mind, i dunno, maybe im a stalker or something... But i do not go online to say hi to random people le, although i did it in the past. Part of it is cause maybe i know alot of people le, and also part of it is cause of less time spent online cause of more time spent studying -.-. I hope people dont think i am a nerd, although actually im one now... Come back home immediately mug for awhile, then come online for awhile to blog or watch some movies. Rather i like to spend most of my energy trying to have fun im school, but now even this is hard. During recess i usually can't find people to go down to eat with, and i usually do not ask people, thus i prefer going to the back of class to meet people like wei sheng and geraldine and chat and relax for the recess, this is what i have been doing for most of the recesses. Also after school i dunno where all my friends go le, cant find people to eat lunch with too. Last time we played basketball together, however nowadays they don't le... and i'm usually still looking for people, sometimes i just find a few friends to catch up with. Also outings are dropping, usually will go out on both sat and sun, but cause of busy school schedule, with so much commitments, i guess people are not free to go out le.
I wish we werent so busy but given more time for personal reflection and also enjoyment, better for our mental health, now time has almost become like a luxury, rather than trying to waste time away in the past...

Life has changed so much indeed. From sec 1 to sec 2. From sec 3 semester 1 to sec 3 semester 2. I seem to have become a different person with different facets every single time. When can i find a personality where i will really fit into and it suits me well? Maybe thats why we are still teenagers cause we are shaping our personalities and lives most drastically within this period...

Why do i say one thing and do another. Why do i claim to be a christian but actually my thoughts and actions are not like one.
I AM A Hyprocrite. End. God help me...
I must mean what i say and say what i mean, if not i will rather not say it i guess.

I hope the next few days would be able to set my thoughts right, and set me in a direction that is for my future character improvement.

Good luck to everyone for prelim's tomorrow :D!!